I Miss the Sun


Saturday morning. I hoped to be up on the early side today, like I somehow managed to yesterday. But I stayed up too late. And I also left my watch on the charger last night, so it got to ding-ding-ding forever on the other side of the room until I finally heard it and got up.

The doggoes have since been fed and let out, and are now once again happily curled up peacefully slumbering in the living room. It is normally pretty quiet here, but in the mornings it is especially so. It pairs well with coffee sipping and a bit of reflection.

The still early mornings always used to be my favorite. The quasi-darkness, the crisp coolness of the early morning air before the furnace kicked in to bring the temperature in the house up a bit for the kids—so calm, so quiet, so undemanding.

It was always my time. Me time. Time to just relax and exist.

I guess, when they were younger, it could easily be referred to as a calm before the storm, before the hurried (and sometimes frustratingly so) rush of coaxing kids from their warm beds, getting them dressed and fed and packed up and off to meet the school bus on time. The public school days. The forgotten homework and lost hats and mittens days. The field trip permission slips and fundraiser deadlines days.

Sometimes I miss all that. Other times I’m glad we are well beyond it. Bittersweet, as tend to be most memories.

I used to be able to watch the sun rise out the front window. The house I have now doesn’t offer that luxury. It doesn’t even have any sun-facing windows, at any time of the day. It’s kind of tucked in between other homes on a rather tiny parcel. Cloaked in shade, both from its unfortunate positioning and the overgrown pines that surround it. Dark and depressing. No streaming sunshine creating dancing prisms on the floors, walls, or ceiling. No refreshing crosswinds on open window days. Stagnant.

Kind of like how I’m feeling about this stage of my life.

I just need to find my footing, I think, and then build from there again. It’s just taking longer than I expected. I’m sure I’ll find my way eventually. 💜

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