Some days I really wonder why I even bother at all—with blogs, with writing, with memes, with building my graphic design skills, with caring about the entire world-at-large seemingly far too much, with bending over backwards to do what I can for others whenever possible…. Mostly because it can all feel a bit futile in the grand scheme of things. But eventually I snap out of it and remember that I do the things I do because, at the root of it all, I like doing them.
There’s this rather uncommon (for me) sense of pride and accomplishment that comes from learning something new, helping out a friend (or sometimes even a random stranger), sitting back and gazing at something I’ve created that (to me) is well done, even if “well done” only means 25% better than previous attempts.
Every step of every quest I embark upon matters. It matters whether or not I can see or feel or in any way sense its impact beyond my personal space because it’s still sending little bubbles of positive energy out into the world. And for sure, the world needs more bubbles of positive energy.
Maybe that whole energy schtick sounds a little whack-a-doo? I don’t subscribe to any flavor of religion and I’m not really spiritual per se. I also don’t quite buy into the whole idea of intention and manifestation either. But somehow, releasing little bubbles of positive energy that float off into the atmosphere makes some kind of sense. ::shrug:: I don’t know what to tell you!
So, sometimes I blog. Sometimes I write stories or poetry or research papers and journalistic pieces. Sometimes I even draw. Sometimes I work in typography and graphic design. Sometimes I read, or crochet, or bake. Sometimes I throw caution to the wind and tear apart an entire room in my house to deep clean, reorganize and rearrange every. single. thing.
Do I unnecessarily stress myself out a lot? Absolutely.
In fact, I’ve been stressing over *this* blog for a bit of time. I essentially started it on a whim at the beginning of the year. I started off sort of strong (much thanks to Bloganuary!) and then found myself feeling quite stifled and unsure where to go with it. It doesn’t quite have the same veil of anonymity that any of my past projects have had. People who know me will know this is my blog.
And I really don’t understand *why* that is such a big deal to me, but I’m pretty sure it’s tied to my anxiety. Probably my upbringing, too…? Our experiences through the course of our lifetimes really do have a much larger affect upon us than I think a lot of us realize. At least, that seems to be true for me.
Today is a sort of good day, so far. My anxiety is kind of low (at the moment) and I’m feeling the teensiest bit… (dare I say…?) confident, maybe? And while I have no idea how long it may or may not last, I’m going to ride this little ripple of freedom for as long as it continues to swell and hopefully send out a bunch of those imaginary floating bubbles of positive energy into the world. 😉
As for this blog? I’m not giving up. My anxieties will continue to ebb and flow as they do, and I shall do my best to work around them (and sometimes in spite of them)—even if that means that sometimes I need to break away for a bit to reevaluate my wants and needs versus the reality of things. It’s all just part of the journey. 💜