Ahh, the ‘Fun’ of Life with Anxiety

I have anxiety. Mad anxiety. Mad social anxiety. Not only do I not answer my phone unless I’m expecting a call (and the caller ID verifies that it is, indeed, the call I’m waiting for) or it’s one of my kids or friends (and let’s be honest, at this point in life, they all know to text first and call in emergency situations only), but I abhor making phone calls. This makes job hunting in today’s world so incredibly difficult.

Since making money is literally the only way to exist in this world, I’ve been doing the thing. The job-hunting thing. Scrolling job posting sites, scrutinizing each possibility, submitting my resume when it seems like something I may have a shot at, and am sure I’ve checked and triple-checked that the listing specifies it as a remote position.

I exclusively work from home. Not just since COVID, but since forever. And not because it’s a nice perk that contributes to better work-life balance, but because it’s the only way I can do it at all.

It’s frustrating af.

So, yesterday afternoon I got the first callback from my recent round of resume submissions. I was in the shower (of course I was, because I do things on a timetable that generally follows my mood, and mid-afternoon is a great time to shower…). They left a voicemail. I listened to the voicemail. I read and re-read the voicemail transcript. I went back and reviewed the original job listing. I reviewed the resume I’d submitted.

Okay, yes, I should be able to do this. Yes, it’s a remote position. Ducks in a row, yanno?

It was close to close of business and I knew I was going to need some time to hype myself up to return the call, so I slated it for the following morning. This morning. Today.

I got up (with the phone call as my immediate first thought), fed the dogs, fixed my coffee, put on some makeup with the hope of giving myself a little confidence boost, muted everything that had the potential to make noise while I was on the phone, and sat down at the desk to pull up my resume, and prep a legal pad for note-taking (because I know damn well that I’ll be in full-on panic mode, which means that not only will I struggle to comprehend any information shared on the call, but that I also won’t remember a damn thing once I hang up).

Breathe in, breathe out. You CAN do this! Yes, I talk to myself like that. I really do. I’d been holding the phone in my hand with my finger hovering over the callback number for about ten minutes before I finally closed my eyes and tapped the screen.

It rang ONCE and went to voicemail. I left a message (which, obviously I was not prepared to do, so it likely sounded shaky). And now I’m sitting here in complete horror at the fact that I’m going to spend my entire day waiting for a callback that is most likely going to catch me off-guard and send me reeling into panic mode. And I’m already exhausted.

Why? Because it takes a lot of energy and prep to psych myself up for these things, and I’d already done it once this morning. Also, I have no control now over when the call will happen and I’m less likely to feel prepared for it.

Ahh, the fun of life with anxiety. 💜